Sleepless Nights
by Randomised
Summary: A master mind is running loose savagly confusing people. Millions of random plot twists appear out of no where. An author running around hitting things. Ok, that last one was the half truth. Slight slash, but nothing to disgust the faint hearted.
1. Sleepless Nights

**This is rewritten from my previous story of Sleepless nights. The plot is similar, but with slight changes. I've just been replacing the chapters. This may severly confuse you. **

**Warning. Contains slash reference. No detail, but don't read if you don't like the idea full stop. Also if you don't like the idea of a naked Dumbledore. But that isn't in detail either. Nobody is that perverted.**

Chapter 1

Harry woke suddenly to a mysterious squeeking, one of the most unusual noices in the boys dormatries of Hogwarts. Or at least in Nevilles bed, where the noise seemed to originate from. But this time Harry couldn't just sit back and listen as he normally did, savouring the image. No, he had to know who was dared enter Longbottoms bed.

With concussed cat like grace, Harry stumbled over to the boys bed, and, having left his common sense in his bed as well as his teddy (Snuggles), pulled the curtain apart to reveal Neville and Ron in an unusual position.

"Check mate Neville, I told you I ruled the chessboard. Now, hand over the porno." Neville reluctantly handed over his collection of barnyard porn, and proceeded to cry softly into his pillow, while Ron congratulated himself.

"Ohhhh, they have pigs in this issue!" Ron was soon so loud, Neville went and sat in Harry's bed, and started to hump the teddy while moaning "Harry you sexy beast." Harry made a note to burn it in the morning, and went to the bath room.

"Moo!" Harry was rudly confronted by an enormas tongue in his face, and behind it, he saw none other then Dean with his trousers down.

"Sorry bout that mate," he grunted. "Wanna go, she's too much woman for me."

"Maybe another night." Harry quickly splashed some water on his face, took one last glance at the look of extreme consentration on Dean's face, and ran out to the common room.

"Harry, it's not what you think!" said a surprised Fred or George, Harry was too tired to tell. When he looked closly, he noticed it was both, in the middle of a threesome with Dobby the house elf. Harry was so horrified he looked around everywhere for something to take his mind of the horrible site before his eyes, and noticed Colin standing in the corner with his trousers down, frantically taking pictures. That'll do.

"What is with Griffindors today? All I want is some sleep. You all are obsessed with inter-speacis breeding. And before you ask Dobby, master Harry Potter doesn't want to join you freaks! Ewww!" Harry screamed as he stood in what could be mayonaise, and he didn't want to know if it wasn't, and he stormed out of the room up to the girls dormatories. The girls swiftly made room for him as they all left after seeing the scrawny scruffy haired boy with bags under his eye. Only a few screamed from the sight, so a good reaction in Harry's opinion. He was pleased to hear even more screams when they entered the common room.

"Harry, how many times have I told you to stay out of my bed!" yelled a very annoyed Hermione, after finding someone was using her as a pillow.

"Burn it all!" This confused Hermione alot, since she knew nothing of the going ons of the boys dormatries, and Nevilles defouling of stuffed animals. She had often found Harry in her bed since she dumped him for a poor performance.

It took Harry a while to actually wake up, even when Hermione proceeded to shove her knee in his lower regions, but once he had rose, Hermione ran out to the common room.


	2. Sleepless Potions

Chap 2

"What's her problem?" pondered a sleepy young Harry. After all, she should be used to that by now. He knew he was. After a quick glance at his watch, Harry realised he was missing Potions, again! He slipped on his fashionable pink faded robe and dashed down the corridors, hitting as many people as possible.

"So, the Griffindor Saint arives at last. You seem to have missed the making of the potions, so would you care to test them." Harry looked around the room, as the Slytherins smirked, and the Griffindors grinned. He worried what they had made.

"Todays lesson was a chance for extra credit, and you had to attempt a potion is my book "Potions for the Pollutant in the Mind", which I wrote myself, and was never published. But luckily I have my day job. groans. Bring your potion to the front Longbottom, and we'll see if you failed, yet again. You poor fool."

"I'm not an idiot." mumbled Neville, though he had never gotten full control of his vocal cords, and more yelled it.

"Well, prove me wrong then. Though that'll never happen. If you ever got a potion right, I would turn myself willingly into a women and date you." This scared Neville, so he shut up.

Harry felt his stomach bubble like he had just drank Hermiones conditioner again. Neville tried to ignore this and attempt to show off his strength to Harry by carrying the cauldren with one hand. Um... sadly... he failed this and spilled it all on Malfoy.

"Neville, what was your potion?" asked a sniviling Snape, as Malfoy's originaly petite muscles grew in size and turned a Slytherin shade of green, and then proceeded to flex a bit, before realising he should be pounding Neville.

"A happy potion." Neville desperatyly hoped he could take the potion himself, but after seeing the effects, decided to combate his cronic depression tonight with Harry's teddy.

"You really are one sandwich short of a picnic. I mean seriously, if dumb were dirt, you would cover an acre. If wisdom grew on trees, you would be a bush! If..." Snape stopped his abuse to observe the class taking notes. He had already been warned for causing rivalries among the students with his biast scoring in the fashion show last year. He mustn't put lighter fluid on the flame.

"Let's have a potion that works, shall we. Malfoy, before you start to get angry, let's test yours." Draco's smile widened as his muscles shrank back to their baby size, and forced a large, dripping spoonful down Harry's throught.

The sensation began in Harry's toes, and worked their way up to his man bits, and around to his ass. "Damn! Why did it have to stop!" Harry procedded to show his anger to his fellow students by sitting on the floor and pouting. But his feet still dangled when he sat, and it wasn't till he looked at what the potion had done when he discovered his problem.

"Here we have a correct potion to change the size of Uranus. What's it called Malfoy?" asked a very pleased Snape who thought his joke was actually funny. He scowled when no one else laughed, till Harry started trying to bonce back onto his feet.

"Glootimus Maximus. And there's no antidote. Only a diet will heal it."

"That's enough for the day, I think it's starting to verge on child crultey, but you can write 2 scrolls on the effects for tomorrow. Feel free to observe Potter for research." The class quickly walked out, or in Harry's case, waddled.


	3. That's a biggy

**Chap 3**

"Hold still Harry," muttered an annoyed Hermione while she attempted to shink Harry, while Ron used his extreme sewing skills on Harry's robes.

"Harry, mind if I sew on a few hearts and stars while I'm here? What was that? Go right ahead? Ok. How about a Neville in the hearts? Yes you'd love that. Ok, if you insist." Ron whistled an extreme happy tune, blissfully unaware of Harry screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Harry, it seems there is one cure to this problem. Go up to the Quiddditch pitch, strip naked, and sing Glootimus Minimus, over and over again to the tune of the national anthem. And it has to be done on the day the potion was drunk." Hermionie showed her triumph by sticking her stubbley chin in the air, spinning on her heel, and going to tell Colin she had some great photo oppatunities for him.

"I dunno about this Ron, what if somebody sees me, and thinks I look fat. I mean, it's nice that no matter where I sit, I always get a coushin, and it's a bit like having a hot water bottle tied to it. I never get cold any more. But even with Jennfier Lopez's huge ass trying to bring them back into fashion, I don't know if the look suits me. Ron? Answer me." But sadly Ron was staring at Harry's rear and wondering if it was big enough to be its own country. "Oh forget it. I'm off to the pitch." Harry lept in the air like a crab had pinched his over large bottom and flew gracefully down the stairs into the fireplace.

By the time Harry had reached the Quidditch Pitch, a large crowd had turned up, and Fred and George Weasley were going around selling binoculars. "Oooo, an audience, must be my lucky day." Harry's thought were soon invaded by the sudden realisation that Snape was in the crowd. Now he would be sure to impress him with his amazing voice.

"People, your star has arrived!" Harry screamed to the crowd, as Hermionie started casting spells quicker then you can say Rumplestiltskin killed a minotour and was swiftly taken out of the history books for fear that he would be feared and rewritten as a fairy tale charactor, while the crowd cried out things like "Wheres my camera?" and "I need the loo!" Before long, the entire pitch was lit up with spotlights, and Harry was shaking his hips to the beat of "I'm a little teapot"? Well, he always had bad taste.

"Every body sing along! I'm a little..." Harry's ..um, amazing attempt to launch a singing career was interupted by a mysterious flying boot. "Ow, hmm, a note, on the shoe, woo, fancy. You could've just sent an owl!" Harry sat down in all his glory, and read to note.

"You're ass has shrunk, but .. other parts have grown? Ok. Who sent me this?" Harry stood up and yelled at the crowd, who all stopped and looked at his lower regions.

"HOLY SHIT!"


	4. Sleepless partys

**Chapter four**

"God Harry, you can be quite a wild one, never thought you had it in you. But trust me, I'm not complaining." Harry opened his eyes in horror as he heard this. He began to hit his head repetivly in an attempt to remember the events of the previous night. His vision was blurred, probably from hitting himself, so he couldn't tell where he was. But after the room stopped spining, he realised he wasn't in bed, but under his bed. He jumped up, hitting his head again, at this realisation, and pulled open the curtains around his bed and screamed.

"Neville? Why are you naked in my bed? With my teddy? And... are you handcuffed together?" Harry asked, head tilted in confushion like a lost puppy.

"No... well, yes, and I lost the key. I think I swallowed it in the passion, will you ever forgive me?" It took Harry a few minutes to realise Neville was talking to the bear, and was getting very annoyed at the lack of responce. He quickly turned on his knee and ran out the room, for fear that Neville had more handcuffs handy. But luckily he could escape to double potions, which he was late for again.

"Potter, late again. You're lucky this time, we weren't experimenting. This potion is very safe, and the only recorded mistake was when someone made a sexual stimulator by mistake. They are very similar, you just need one extra drop of pig sweat." The class shuddered in unison. Some people took notes. "Now, bottoms up, oh, it's back to normal size. Well, just drink this anyway." Harry began to sweat rapidly as the mysterious concoction moved towards his mouth with lightningish speed. Or just pretty fast.

"Now class, I want you all to take notes on the reaction Potter has to this Growth Grower potion, take particular notice of places which have had abnormal size changes recently." Harry felt extremly embarressed as his class mates and class enemys all stared in various lower regions, and he drank the stinking liquid. It didn't take long for Harry to feel the effects, as his stomach gurgled in complaint at the vile substance it was forced to consume. Harry tried to sit down to settle it, but felt extreme discomfort on his rear.

"There we have it class, a succeful potion, thank you Longbottom, and your... teddy." Snape's scowl turned into a look of amusment, and he began to relive past horrors, I mean memories. "Yes, it began in the summer of 96, I was a young strapping lad, well, a young lad. Ok, I was male. No, wait, that was before the operation. Ok, I'll start over. I had recently discovered my first love. He had a fondness for the potions master, so I saw it as my goal to be the best of the class, and win his heart. But then he fell for a teddy bear, and then I killed him, and took the bear for my own... And it shall never leave my side." Snape started playing with the necklace he was wearing. It was unclear what it contained, but it looked strangly like buttons. "Yes, just like Romeo and Juiliet." Snape realised the class was looking at him in horror. "..and that bear must never be mentioned again. Now, class dismissed." The class sat very still, untill Snape started shooting water at people till they left.

"So, Harry, hear you had a wild night?" Harry heard the distinct sound of a smirk followed by some grunting, and immeadiatly knew who was so rude as to question on his personal life.

"Well, if it isn't Draco, I have been meaning to ask you about your mysterious lover, Snape. Is it true that you're his new little lover after your dad lost his prescription for viagra?" Draco looked baffled.

"No, he's with my mum now. I think he's bi, but I'm not sure. He could be straight now though. Why? Are you interested in him?"

"No." Harry was always a bad lier. He swiftly changed the subject. "Draco, I heard you had a wild night of your own."

"No, that was you."

"No, I just had my first night in a week where I actually slept."

"Not till you had a good nights loving."

"Oh, you ruined the pattern." Harry's anger suddenly got the better of him, and he swung his mighty cough fist at Draco, leaving a large red slap mark on Draco's perfectly pointed nose.

"Horray for Harry!" A crowd suddenly appeared out of nowhere, and soon Draco was laughed away, and Harry was once more the centre of attension. Just how he liked it. He was soon so overcome by the emotions he was feeling, that he had to yell the first thing that came into his head.

"Neville wears a G-string!" The chanting stopped. "I mean, Party in the common room!"

"HORRAY!"


	5. Sleepless striper?

**Chap 5**

As you can expect, the party was going badly. The beer was flat, and the girls were sober and still fully clothed. Harry was not happy.

"I'm not happy. You know what we need. A stripper, and some stronger drinks." The crowd cheered at this. They all began dancing along to their own applause, till Neville somehow tripped over his handcuff, and they all toppled down like dominos. Everyone lay there for a while, till they heard a doorbell, and looked through the open door.

"Anybody order a stripper?" The crowd's constant cheering stopped, as everyone looked towards non other then what appeared to be a very large pig in a police officer costum. Ron sqealed. Everyone was so transfixed on the pig, that they failed to notice Neville lurking by the drinks, and pour some mysterious pink glowing liquid in, and started handing it round. He then disappeared in a puff of smoke, and some passers by inhailed it and fainted.

People couldn't find music, but luckily, were there's trouble in town, Dumbledore can be found, lose those frowns, and lets get down. (His theme song) Dumbledore (or Humblewhore, his stage name) entered hearing his off key que, and proceeded to play the spoons against his thigh.

"Oh, I'm a sexy stripper, hotter then Jack the ripper. Watch me undo my zipper, and start to thrust my hippers! Oh, yeah, Dumbledore the Humblewhore is in da house!" People's original shocked expressions turned to confusion, as the pig left (much to Ron's displeasure) and Humblewhore took over. Though several people seemed pleased at the situation, and began hooting and whistling, and sometimes gurgling. But the rest of the group left when someone suggested (you guessed it) truth or dare.

"Hmmm, Ron, truth or dare?" Draco had an enormas grin on his face, probably that no one had noticed he was in a Griffindor party, but he also wanted proof in some rumours.

"Ummm, Draco, I think I'll pick dare!"

"Is that your final answer?"

"Yes, it is. No it's not, truth, or ummm..." Ron's stuttering soon became uncontrolable, and a passer by slapped him, and then so did Draco, Harry, Hermionie, Humblewhore, and the pig stripper who came back for free drinks. "Truf." Ron's lip was soo swelled up, you could barly see his nose.

"Is it true you sung that song, "I will Survive" to Snape? And that he gave you a bad review?" The crowd peered in, attempting to hear the swelled up pig lover.

"Yeth, but he asked firsth. And you're only allowed one question." The crowd awwed in unison. Ron cried loudly in the corner.

"Well, I doubt any of us could understand Ron's dares. I guess I'll have to take his go." Hermionie bravly stepped in and procceeded to select her first victum. "Draco, care to dare? Or tell the truth about Ruth?" Draco looked confused, as did the author (me). "Hummf, truth or dare then?"

"Obviously dare, only donkeys pick truth."

"I want you to drink this mysterious pink foaming potion, and join me in the cuboard." Hermionie had already taken 3 shots of the goop, and really wanted some alone time with, well, anyone.

"Hmmm, sounds simple enough." The two strolled towards the cuboard, and the crowd swiftly set up their place by the door, and the entire room was silent.


	6. Sleepless Cuboards

_Wow. Long. Hope you like it._

_I don't own Harry Potter. If I did, thousands of fans would kill me for how horrifying my story about him is, but I would be rich enough to have them killed then pay to cover it up... hehe._

_I could really use a review right about now._

**Chap 6**

The party was in full swing, and all the cuboards were taken and the music was being drowned out by the sounds of Ron and the stripper. That must be getting expensive. Soon the only people still on the dancefloor were Neville, the teddy, and some cows that climbed in the window. Amazing thing, genetic modification.

"Hehehehehehehehehe, my plan is working, soon I shall rule all the world. Anybody need a top up?" Neville went to inspect his goop, but found it had all been drunken by the cows, who, lets just say, were looking at Neville in a horrifying way. But Nevilles piercing screams were ignored by those in the cuboards. All except for one person.

"I think I heard something, Harry get off." Harry was chucked off and went into a huff. He had just been in the process of pleasuring the red head, and wasn't even appreciated.

"Draco, how can you be so heartless, and take that wig off."

"I can't, it changes colour when a loved one is in danger."

"It better not be Hermionie, it took me an hour to get you away from her before." Harry was soon sulking as he often does, and Draco started to stroak his hair.

"Don't cry, I'll be back soon. Ok?" Harry shook his head. Draco slapped him. "Stop sulking bitch, you'll make me angry."

"I love it when you act rough Draky babe." Harry was soon raising his ass in the air, saying things like "spank me babe, yeah harder." Draco ran outside very fast.

The mysterious screaming rang through Draco's head, and all he could think was what person did he love, and why would his hair change colour cause of that? That made no sense. Maybe he was a freak. The freak boy with mood hair? Hmmm, has a nice ring to it. These thoughts soon had Draco so confused, his hair was a flashing rainbow, and letting off thundery sounds.

"Longbottom? Were you screaming?" Neville screamed in responce. Draco could see he was enjoying this rough treatment and really getting into it, so he ran in and joined.

Harry sat in the cuboard for a while, thinking how nobody loved him, and why were there constant orgies in this school. The should change it to Hogwarts School of Orgies. Harry laughed for an hour before he realised he should get out the cuboard before anyone tried to use it without seeing him again. He went to practise his stripper routine. Humblewhore's gonna have some competion soon.

Hermionie had just woken up, and felt very heavyheaded. She tried to get up, but couldn't lift her head.

"Colin, get off." Colin jumped, since he had been sitting there crying for a half hour, and hadn't even noticed her.

"I'm ever so sorry miss, tis just that I have great sorrow, since mine love hast left I, hast tho any spare change?"

"Cut the crap Colin, and who the hell is Minelove?"

"Nay, her name must not be spoken, since her sweet cherry kiss hast left mine heart forever."

"What? Another? I always thought you were gay. But, you learn something new everyday. And another weird name. Mineheart? What are they, sisters? Twins? Never thought you would be such a player, Col. Old Collie, now move, so I can leave."

"Nay again, sweet Hermionie, tis dishonerable to speak of mine love in such a way, she hast the scent of beauty on her hair, and a bosom the size of thy own good self's hair which could hold a candle to... Hermionie, where hast thou gone?" Hermionie had stormed out the door, leaving Colin to wallow in his own misery. "Hermionie, Hermionie, where for art thou Hermionie?"

By morning, most of the students of Hogwarts had ended up in the Hospital wing, for a combination of hangovers, pregnancy tests, broken bones, and several people who's freckles had turned blue. It was a busy day for Madame Pomfrey.

"So Dumbledore, sprained you hip again? Over using it again? Don't worry, I'll have you fixed up in a minute hun, but please, for you're health and the students mental states, stick to your day job."

"But I have a calling for the dancefloor, and you can't quit after a few injuries if you want to reach the top!"

"Yeah, but you're a bloody old man, what would happen if you died on the dance floor?"

"Then they might play "Murder on the dance floor", my favourite song!" Dumbledore squield. Pomfrey huffed.

"Just leave. Mr Malfoy, what's wrong with you, aside from seeing Dumbledore's midlife crisis?"

"I think I love Neville." Dumbledore leaned in closer. He always enjoyed getting involved in the student's private lives.

"And why's that?"

"We had a threesome with a cow." Pomfrey's smile melted slowly off her face.

"Damn cheap plastic surgery." she somehow managed to say. "Well, you might want to go get help from Snape about this. He's experienced in unwanted love." and she swiftly set to mopping up her face. Draco ran out the door, pushing down Dumbledore, who was now signing people's chests.

Draco found himself outside Snape's office sooner then he thought, since he had only taken two steps. Oh well, that's magic for you. He knocked loud and hard. Hmm, that's just the way he and Neville did it. No! Bad thoughts! he yelled into his own head. I hope Snape can fix this.

"Enter," came the voice from within. (I swear that's a song or something?)

"Malfoy, good to see someone has turned up for their potions lesson, even if it is a bit late, but there's not much point of a lesson, you're dismissed."

"But sir, Madame Pomfrey sent me. She said you could help me, since I'm in love with... um.. Crabbe." Draco swiftly lied, knowing he couldn't bare Snape's wrath, Neville being one of his least favourite pupils.

"That chimp boy? How, you're a Malfoy, how can you bring your parents such shame? I'll start work on a potion immediatly, but it'll take a few days. I hope you can control you're urges till then. Now leave, in case I catch it." Draco didn't need telling twice, and ran out with his tail between his legs. That reminded him, he should go see Pomfrey and get that sorted out.

But close by, there was a young, natural red head listening to the conversation. He had been heading for Potions, but now he had somewhere better to go. He vowed to do whatever he could to keep Draco's love for Crabbe strong, and ran off to tell some passers by the good news.

"Draco loves Crabbe?" Trelawney screamed, as she cackled into her crystal ball. People had reasantly been giving her weird looks whenever she did this ever since she had nose surgery. But she loved the new "edge" it gave her. Though it did look like a hat stand.. But back to the story. "This will be some good gossip in the teachers lounge. Now, where's my medication." She cackled till dinner, before plotting the best way to use this information.

Young Harrold Potter had the misfortune to remember the Potions lesson today, and found himself outside the potions room, and saw Malfoy running down the corridor, crying? No couldn't be, not his love. Well, one of them. It's so hard to keep track. He slowly walked up and knocked on the door.

"Knock knock!"

"Enter."

"Hi sir, sorry I'm late, just saw Malfoy down the corridor, isn't he supposed to be in class? Well anyway, I'm not too late today, so no expermenting on me today."

"SHUT UP! You Griffindors sicken me, all you think about is yourselves, and don't give a damn about anybody who you hurt. And what's with stealing our teddys, and wandering around with them. Have you no shame. Now get out of my sight before I throw you in the pot!" Harry was shocked at this reaction. He only took Snape's teddy because he couldn't get his old one of Neville.

"I'm shocked! Does that mean there's no lesson?"

"OUT!" Harry ran away, without a tail between his legs. He had his sorted out earlier.

"What was that all about, it's almost like he's avoiding talking to people in case he blurts out a big secret that he is being extra anti-social in an attempt to stop people talking to him. Or he has diaria. Yeah, that's probly it. Well, I'll just have to make him a big get well card! Yes, then he'll like me. And I can perform a spell I learnt last time I got it. Except it did have a few unwanted side effects, but I don't think he'll mind, he's obviously under stress."

"Oi, who you talking to lad?" enquired an extreamly detailed portrait of Dumbledore's from when he was a member of a naturist club. Harry screamed and ran into the wall.


	7. Screaming

_Are you at all confused by this story? Cause I am. I have plenty more chapters written so I'll keep updating, but I'm not sure how much longer till it becomes obvious what the hell is happening. I predict about chapter 10, but maybe before._

_I don't own Harry Potter, if I did, I would put him in a cage and feed him nothing but butter._

**

* * *

****Chapter 7**

Harry woke to high pitched screaming. It was a while before he realised it was him. He was not used to the horrors he had experienced his whole life, even though he's experienced them his whole life. But still, this school year had been the strangest. I mean, Snape falling in love with Ron, and getting diaria in one term, that was too much for the easily excited boy to take. Harry then ran off to the bathroom to relieve himself of his sick and twisted excitment. Yuck.

Draco was coping well so far with his unfortunate love for Neville. And he had succesfully kept it a secret from all but the very dim people, who some how had skills in appearing in the middle of his fun time. But they were easy to bribe. Snape said it would be about a week, and then he would feel the freedom of a Malfoys lack of love, and once again be able to earn his fathers respect. And then get his precious Voldie's respect. Then he would have his fun. It's amazing how one thought can lead to another, and you literally have a chain of thoughts, and unless you are literally in the head that is thinking it, the next thing the person says could have entirerly nothing to do with the last thing said.

"Codliver oil!" The other Slytherins looked strangly cheerful. I don't even know how he got there. Draco ran into the bathroom to cry and take his medication (thats it must have come from!). He knew he could survive the temptation if Neville didn't look too sexy. But how could he ever tone that down. He was just so damn foxy. Oh god, he was thinking about him in that G-string again. Bad Draco, bad! He repetivly hit himself on the head till he couldn't think straight. But now he's thinking gay! That didn't help at all! Oh god! The randomness of Draco's train of thought. Make that bus of thought, since he's clostraphobic.

Hermionie sat alone in her room. Yes, alone. Like she always was. Maybe it's because she had the habit of sticking her ugly mug where it wasn't wanted, and getting rudly punched, making her mug even more ugly. Maybe she should take up pottery, and make beautiful mugs? Or... just do some simple sugery with the help of her trusty knife. Yes, self harm is the answer... Maybe not, there's probably a spell she doesn't know that she could use, and then she would be the Queen Bee! (I've recently seen the movie mean girls, so I thought I'd shove that in.) She ran off, flaling her arms and legs as she ran, hoping to find a spell to fix that too. For she was Hermionie, the nosiest smartiest ugliest mug there is!

"Harry Potter, I don't think this is the right thing to do, I mean, what if Dumbledore finds out?"

"Shhh," Harry hushed the young house elf and proceeded to sofly kiss his tiny green lips. Dobby felt he could no longer hold back his love for his master, Harry Potter.

"But it's wrong, I'll haves to punish myself!" Dobby squawked and squirmed.

"Let me do it for you." Harry's smile widened from ear to ear via the back of his head.

"Harry, wake up, you were sleep talking." Ron shook Harry vigorusly, making sure he was awake, since he didn't want to hear the rest of this incredobly disturbing and tramatizing dream. I mean, Ron had sick fetishes, but that was too far.

"Damn, will I ever win Dobby the sexy beasts heart, or am I foced to live this lonly exisence for another lifetime, tune in next time for.." Ron slapped him.

"Is there a reason your talking like a bad soap opera?"

"No."

"Ok, lets go eat breakfast, before Potions, again! Have you noticed that we've been having a lot of Potions, and never actually learn anything, we just watch as you consume our creations. But then again, I'm not complaining about that part, in fact, Harry, could you do me a favour, you know, in return for, that thing, I helped you with before?"

"Oh, when I gave you a hand.." Ron slapped him again. "Ok, what is it."

"Can you go and alphabetise my porn, it shouldn't take too long, unless you start reading it. Though I warn you, I've been a devoted collector for the past 14 1/2 years of my life. Sure, I'm only 17 but my parents always felt I had a right to know about where babies come from. Magazine subscriptions. They send them to you as a prize sometimes. I love kid."

"Sure thing mate, since your so skilled with your hands. They're quite lovley and soft."

"Shut up!" Harry skipped merrily down the corridors. He hated being in someones dept, and Ron was like the mafia. You had to repay him, and there was no comprimising what you did. So Harry got off quite well with this deal, in more ways then one.

20 minutes later, Harry was a very happy bunny, or at least he had gotten to the B's, and had his fun with every copy before that. And Ron had a lot of antilope porn. But Harry knew he was late for lessons, and since he had been having so much fun, he knew he would get pain sooner or later. So he got it over with, and went to Potions.

"WELL! Our little boy wonder is here, late, I add, again. And what's this, you have a little package for use. A very little package. Ohh, you brought a lovly magazine too, I'll confiscate that." Snape grabbed the porn before Harry had the chance to hide it, and became instantly hard. The class was soon cracking up, untill they saw how big Snape got. Harry felt warm and fuzzy inside and started imagining himself flying round and saving house-elves from sexy danger. His package got slightly bigger. "Class dismissed, except you Potter." The class woo'd in unison.

"What's wrong sir? Never seen a little bunny get up to some funny bunny?"

"Potter, it is against school rules, but, I want to borrow this magazine, just for a few minuites, just wait here." Snape hurried into his office, where Harry heard some unpleasent noises, and was soon very excited himself. He had to peek behind the door, just to see for a moment. He slowly creeped over, and cracked the door open just a bit, and what he saw made him scream.

"Sir! You have a bunny in your trousers?"

"Get out now! And I'm keeping the magazine!"

"Oh sir, I love it when you boss me around." Suddenly a boot came flying at Harry's head, and everything went black and pink. Oh yes, and a slight tint of maroon.


	8. Cough Cough

**Chapter 8**

_I would like to point out that all the horrorscope stuff is wrong, since I made it up, so don't belive anything of Saturns deadly rays!_

"Oh William, pray tell, what tis thy reason for entering my boudoir?"

"What the fuck? Who's William, it's me Ginny, and what the fuck is a boudoir. Why are you dressed so weirdly?" Ginny yelled questionably at non other then the freak, Luna Lovgood (Or is it Lovegod, can't remember.) "Let's go, it's time for Dinner." Ginny grabbed Luna by her strange frilly frock and dragged her into the common room.

"Ginny, who's the freak?" Ron looked baffled as his enormas forehead (you could even call it a fivehead) furowed in concentration. This was one of Ron's uncommon faces, and scared Ginny, so she ran out, Luna yelling behind her, "Fear not, tis just the lack of nurishment of thine fair brother!"

"Ok, moving swiftly on. Harry, where have you been all day. You didn't go to potions did you? What happened, anything I need to catch up on." Ron failed to notice Harry's slow movments and pale face.

"I don't want to talk about it." he finally managed to utter.

"Why is everyone acting so weirdly this year, do you think its the millenium bug?"

"Ron, your a bit late learning the muggle news!" Hermionie jumped in to save the idiots from their own stupidity, and show off her flawless knowledge of current affairs in the muggle world. "It's the moon landing, everyone is acting weirdly since they moved the moon in front of Saturn, and everybody is obviously an Aquarius, since they crave Saturns rays to have a good time. But Malfoy, on the other hand, is a Leo, since Saturn's rays have a negative effect on him, which is why he looks so damn good." Harry nodded in agreement. None of them noticed the many flaws in Hermionie's encredably long speech, since no one was listening. "And that is why Colin has turned into Romeo!" Everyone suddenly paid attension and looked at Hermionie in awe, or confusion, she couldn't tell the difference. "Didn't you hear, he changed his name, to suit his new lifestyle. He's really sexy now!" Everyone started puking on the floor, and then ran out of the smelly common room to dinner. Surprisingly still hungry too.

Everyone ate silently at dinner. They could only remember parts of the party the previous night, but they feared others remembered more. Everytime somebody spoke, everyone listened, and in a split second, everyone knew Neville had eaten his toad, and wasn't there since he was moarning, Snape had bought a bunny and kept it in his bedroom, and Dumbledore had done a striptease in the teachers lounge.

"Students! It has come to my attension that gossip is running wild in the school. Beware, since it can hurt people with its sharp teeth." Hagrid whispered something in Dumbledore's ear. Everyone listened. " And Gossip is Snape's bunny! And I hear there is a reward for his safe return." The crowd cheered, and ran out to get their nets. Dumbledore thought this a good time to give Hagrid a lap dance. Snape took this oppertuinity to sneak out and help find his precious Gossip, and prevent himself from being permently scared as Hagrid got into the lap dance. The horror.

Hermionie was hiding quietly near the dungeons. She was sure the Slytherin would be where it was dark and mysterious, that would be just like her love. She had the perfect view from her cuboard, peeking out a gap in the door. She had even brought a picnic in case she didn't see Draco for a while. But she worried. Dobby had prepared it for her, and she knew he had a crush on her. The whole school knew. You couldn't keep secrets here anymore. They all knew everyone's business. Dobby could of easily slipped something in, like a love potion. She knew he could easily steal from Snape's supplys, what with him looking for his precious bunny, and why was he so suddenly obsessed with barnyard animals. Was this the work of Saturns rays. She knew that it could have strange effects, but she always thought Snape was a Libra. He should be happy without Saturn to interfer with his plans. But maybe his plans were bunny related all along? She sat pondering for a while, and Draco walked straight past with Crabbe, getting very intimate.

"Crabbe, not out here, people still think I'm straight. I'm not ready to come out as bi yet." Draco managed to stutter, pushing Crabbe into a wall, hitting a portrait of a strange little man in a top hat.

"Oh I say old chap's, watch the rolex!"

"But boss, you know I need you." Crabbe said, batting his eyelashes. Draco looked down on his big puppy dog eyes and his heart melted.

"Fine, into this cuboard! Quick, I hear someone coming." They dove into the cuboard just as Pansy walked past with Goyle.

"Oh plerlease, Goyley Poo, just let me put on a bit of eyeliner, you'd look so perdy!"

"Ok, but don't tell anyone." Goyle said quietly, and stopped suddenly when he heard snickering from the cuboard. "Did you hear that?"

"Oh Goyle, if you really want to be a female horror movie actress, you have to wait a while before you notice the obviously noticable noice, and then you have to have a shower anyway. Don't you watch the movies?" Goyle looked confused. "Ok, lets go do your make-up, and ignore the noises till they get really loud, so you die more dramatically." There was a loud bang. "EKk! Into the cuboard." They dove in quickly, and passers by heard many ouches and oofs, but luckily ignored them on their quest for the Holy Gossip.

Snape walked slowly and with confidence. He knew bunnys appretiate confidence. And with all the pupils chasing it, it would miss his late night loving. It was near the dungeons that he heard the noise. It seemed to come from a cuboard, so this was his lucky chance. It was either his precious bunny, or some students he can punish. Or maybe blackmail them into letting him join! Though that hadn't worked yet. Wonder why, he was a sex god! That's what bunny called him, or would if he could talk. Well, best just see who's inside.

"Crabbe, Goyle, Pansy, Draco, Granger, bunny! You stole my bunny! I will make you pay! Or.. you could let me join?" Hermionie was very worried. Snape now thought she had a sixsome with his bunny, and would probably give her a detension, and then her perfect record would be broken.

"Sir, it's not what you think!"

"Cut the crap Pansy, now, I want you all to join me in detension tomorrow, and I don't want to ever see you near my bunny ever again!"


	9. Frantic Narrarations

**Chapter 9**

Hermionie slowly made her way down to the potions lab. There was a musky smell around. Hermionie's sensitive and overly large nose shuddered. She kept walking though, since maybe her reputation wont be so badly damadged if she's not late. After about an hour, she realised she had been walking in a circle, and had passed the lab 7 times, so she suddenly stopped, and made baby steps the rest of the way.

Draco and his bodyguards were wating patiently outside the lab, and were very confused when they saw Granger going past the lab again! And this time she was walking very slowly, and they assumed she was just tired. But, they had all become late watching her, they entered the lab suddenly.

"Umm... Class, I would like you to meet...um...Profesor Dumpling, yes that's it." The group's identical expressions of shock and horror combined to make the strange look of horrock looked back and forth between a naked Snape and what appeared to be the Whomping Willow in a dress. "You wont tell bunny, will you?" The look of horrock (you know, when you combine horror and shock?) turned into a sneer, but since Hermionie was incapable of sneering, since she wasn't a Slytherin, she just grinned manically. "Well, a quick memory charm shall fix this then. Let's see if I can remember it. Ha, isn't that ironic? Don't you think? (Bloody anoying song, just wanted to add it.) Well, I know something which damadges teenagers memories better then that. Have some weed." Snape threw a pound of weed at Hermionie's head and she caught it as it bounced off her overly large nose.

"Yay! I caught it! I'm getting married next!" She stopped suddenly, and what could only be an attempted smirk crept across her face and under her nose. "HeheheheheheheheheheHE!" Everybody stared at her with confusion, all except Draco. He knew this face. He had only seen it once before in a dark cuboard. She was horny. Draco ran out the door. Let some other fool get the torture.

Snape took his chance, since the whole time he had forgotten he was naked, and grabbed...the so called Professor Dumpling, ripped of the dress, and was soon having a very hardcore sex. The remaining four stared at the scene untill they felt they would have to gauge out their eyes, or smoke the weed. They chose the weed.

Draco sat alone in the Slytherin common room. His mind was racing with all sorts of different thoughts. No matter what he focused on, it always led back to Neville. He looked at Goyle and thought ogre, then clumsy, then Neville. He looked at a chair and thought comfy, then relaxing, then Neville. Maybe this was the real thing. He just had to know. He suddenly leapt up, knocking Neville out of the Neville, I mean Goyle out of the chair, and ran to the library.

"Where is that book? I saw it the other day! I know it's in here somewhere! What I need is a Gryfindor, they're good at finding the specific book they need, but it takes a while. I could try a Ravenclaw, but they might want something in return. No, definatly a Grifindor."

"Why does Draco Malfoy need a Grifindor in his quest for a particular book? While one ever come? Draco slowly turned round to see, none other then the incredably beautiful and sexy, Ginny Weasley. His expression was both shocked and confused at the sudden appearence of the sexy minx, but on hearing that Ginny noticed, attempted to act like this happened to him all the time, and failed."

"Oh shut up and help me find a book!"

"He said with a bluntness to his voice, while his eyes flamed up with impatienced. Ginny knew it would be dangerous to refuse to help, but this was her enemy, and she can't help him, no matter how sexy he was." Draco's face lit up in surprise. "Then Draco's face lit up in surprise on hearing her confirm his sexiness, and he soon forgot about the book and walked over to Ginny and.."

"Oh yeah," Draco said, stopping in his tracks. "Thanks for reminding me, now lets find it. And what's with the weird way of talking?"

"I want to be a narrarator when I grow up. The drop dead gorgeous girl said, watching Draco as he walked to the shelf and tear his clothes rapidly off his body."

"Hey, I'm not doing that!"

"I mean books rapidly off the shelf."

The Golden Trio sat silently in the Griffindor common room, all looking very red. None knew what the other was embarressed about, since due to the currently strange goings on in Hogwarts, nobody was really sure who they could trust. Including the three friends who had been together since first year.

"Umm, guys, you know how we never talk anymore, and everyone is getting incressingly open about their sex lives, and are willing to shag anyone since alcohol flows as freely as water and children are being encoraged to start drinking from a much younger age espesially the french?" Ron managed to say in one deep, squeky breath.

"No, really? Not the french, they wouldn't. Alcohol is a sin." said the Goldest of the Golden, Harry.

"Yeah, I was shocked too, but enough about that." said the Bronze and slightly dirty Ron. "I just wanted to tell you both, I found love. And I want you two to meet her. We can all go down to Hogsbog (couldn't remember the name, so I thought this was better) and have a butterbeer together. But we'd have to get there early before all the french kids get the best seats. But be warned, she's not like us."

"You mean she's not completly baised due to the current media influence when it comes to mass murderers?"

"You could say that, but I meant something different. I'm not gonna say any more, cause I want it to be a surprise." And with that, Ron lept into the air and started singing his own version of "I'm walking on Sunshine", which was like the original, but he changed sunshine to pig slop.

"Have you ever noticed how much Ron is like a trained chimp?" asked Hermionie, and it was obvious by the seriousness of her expression that she had been pondering on this thought for some time. She then brought out some books and x-rays. "Cause you know, you can get monkeys with red hair, and bright bottoms." Harry looked shocked. "Yeah, Colin showed me some pictures he took in the shower. That reminds me Harry, you should do some crunches, you look a little soft down there." Harry looked more shocked. "Well, I'm going to present my planned out presentation of the chance of a monkey relation in the Weasley family to Dumbledore. I might get us some house points."

"While you're there, try to get a ban on camera's in the shower. And watch out he doesn't try to show you his new routine, I've seen it, and it's not up to his normal standards."

Draco sat alone in the library. He had been there some time, and you could tell, since the flys that were once buzzing around him, taking in the sweet sense of his BO, had died from the smell a few hours ago.

"Damn this place to hell! Where is that book!" Draco proceeded to bang his head on the table till someone threw a frozen bagel at him, hitting his eye (this has happened to me. It's not nice). He fell to the floor screaming, and when he opened his eyes again, he was looking straight at the book which he so soarly sought.

"Draco looked incredably embarresed at the sudden realisation that he had used the book to prevent wobbles in the table when he had first come across it, and his cheeks turned a hint of pink when he realised the beauty that was Ginny Weasley was back to help him in his search to relieve himself of his love for Neville."

"Hey, how'd you know that?"

"You sleep-talk."

"You were watching me sleep! That's just creepy."

"But Ginny knew he meant creepy as in "Fancy coming round and joining me sleeping sometime?""

"Actually, it's more perverted than creepy."

"Just shut up and take me now!" Ginny lay back on the table, her arms stretched out like a bird. Draco ran off with the book balenced on his flat head.

"Fairlady, why do you speak in such a way? Is though possesed by Satan? Shalt I fetch thy an Exorcised?"

"What the fuck did you just say? You think I'm talking weirdly? Try listening to thine self, you fucking fucker! (Ginny wouldn't know many swear words in my mind.) Said the beautiful red head, her eyes scanning up and down what appeared to her to be Colin dressed in ... well... a dress."

"Tis nay a dress, but high fashion of mine time. Does tho wish for mine to get thee some high fashion?"

"Fuck no, you fucking freak!" And Ginny ran out, narrarating as she went.

Draco ran as fast as he could, not daring to look back. The little Weaslette had always been particularly shy, but recently she had been acting differently. In fact so had every one! "Could this some evil plot done by Voldermort? No," he quickly shock the thought from his very empty head. "Father would have told me, if he thought this could damadge mine and the Malfoy image. It must be just something to do with the luner cycle."

"Did I hear you mention the luner cycle, or are my ears decieving me?" Draco turned and saw, to his imence surrprise, Professor Trelawney was towering over him, when she was normally slightly shorter then he was. "Do you like my new feet, I just had them fixed up with tougher soles. But I think the doctor overdid it. But that's unlisenced muggle doctors for you. It's amazing what they can do with a butter knife, they even got ride of my corns." Draco puked in the corner, after seeing Trelawney's feet that were now as tall as ... well... a foot tall now. "It seems, Draco my boy, that there is something about you that you wish to destroy."

"You mean my obsession with Bargin Hunt?"

"No, foolesh child. I mean, unwanted desire. Plus, aren't we all obsessed with Bargin Hunt? This book will never help. What you need to do is replace the desire, with lust. And I'm willing to supply this lust. You shall dance a tango with me in the great hall tomorrow at breakfast. Or I'll have a little annonesment to make, along the lines of a little incident at a party, with Master Longbottom, or should I call him Funbottom? Yes, I also know, and if you don't do as I say, a lot more people will know too. How about you join me in my room for a bit." And with that, Trelawney dragged Draco away, kicking and screaming, the mysterious book lay forgotten. But not for long. Snape had heard the screaming, and thought he should help her newest victim, at least till he saw the book Draco forgot.

"Ohh, Playboy! Oh, and look what's under it. "So you think you love a loser, and can't risk sabotaging your image, and incredably intense sex appeal, but feel you're unable to withhold the intesity of your lust for one another. The key tips to sneaky loving. now includes positions that look like card games." Now, who's is this. And whats this, a clump of platinum blond hair. Now I'm even more baffled then before, espicially since there is a cardboard Slythering crest with the intials D.M in it. This will take all my concentration." Snape ran away baffled into a cuboard, and that sounded like he was working more on the playboy then the book.


	10. He's big He's green He's a sex machine!

_Are you lost? Care to read a summary of the last few chapters? Bad luck losers! I don't even know whats happening myself!_

_I don't own this. I think that's pretty obvious, and I hope you review. I have put a lot of work into this.

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**Chapter 10**_

The Golden Trio sat silently in the common room. Ok, not silently, they were have a debate. A Mass Debate! (If you didn't get that crap joke, say it out loud, then you'll get it!)

"Well, ever since Voldermort took up flower pressing, we havn't done anything even remotly dangerous!" yelled Harry, and seeing Ron was about to argue, added "And using magic to make Hermionie flirt with Filch doesn't count. She'd probably do that without our help!"

"Hey!"

"And even Malfoy has gotten surprisingly strange and silent. It's almost as if he's fallen in love with some idiot."

"Yeah, like Neville!" Neville sat silently in the corner, ok once again, not silently. He was crying like a baby. Ron and Harry started slapping each other high fives and patting each other on the butt. Hermionie pouted.

"I only ever winked at him once, and I swear that was a dare!"

"Oh, 'Mionie, we know all about your, secret feelings. It's all here in your diary." Ron started waving a pink book covered in hearts frantically in the air, hitting Neville on the head.

"Hey, that's not her's. It's mine!" Harry made a berserk lunge at the perfume scented book, catching once of the many frills with his finger nail, and it broke, and landed in a random cake Neville had just prepared. Neville started crying again.

"THAT, was going to be my wedding cake!" On closer inspection, the icing the Trio had assumed was just pretty flowers, was really a caricature of Neville, a cow, and what looked like a mop with a smirk.

"Your marrying a mop?"

"How dare you! My hunny bunny is not a mop! He is an angel fallen from the sky."

"And was it the upwind that gave him such a bad hair day?"

"Well, he had just had some strange new hair styles, they kept changing during our.. conversation." Two of the Trio pondered this, but Ron lept in the air in sudden realisation.

"Buttercup! How could you!" Ron savagly attacked Neville as Hermionie came to her own realisation.

"Draco! His hair kept changing when you two were in the cuboard Harry! It must be him!"

"You were watching us, why didn't you join?"

"I don't like that sort of thing. It's creepy. I only do normal things."

"Oh, ok. Fancy doing some normal things with me?" Hermionie slapped him.

Draco ran as fast as he could, but he knew there was no way to hide from a true Seer. Then again, Trelawney was another problem all together. Due to her excess surgery, both having things removed and installed, she seemed to be much faster then an elderly woman should be, especially after beating Draco and tying him to a chair. But Draco got lucky, and a misplaced monkey untied him and he ran while she was getting her whips. He rounded a corner with such extereme speed that he went straight into a cuboard. (Do you think there are too many cuboards in this story?) Though he assumed it was a stroke of luck, he found it was previously occupied by one of the many people he was trying to avoid. Neville Longbottom.

"So, Mr Tightbottom, long time no see." Draco sneered, using the oppertunity to check out his bottom.

"Not really, but distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I feel horny, so long enough." Neville then proceeded to jump on his with such astounding speed that the cuboard fell over. Luckily this happened so often these days, they were not disturbed.

Snape knew he was sexy. He made sure to tell himself every morning five times, before he dared leave his room. He had often considered buying a parrot to tell him for him, but last time he tried, the huge amounts of magic in the area had made it come up with rude things like "Snape has a face like a hippopotemus's bottom." Then he got a monkey to try to brush his hair, but it got misplaced. So he setteled for just basking in the glory of his amazing sex appeal every morning to boost his already sky high self esteme. He made his way to teach some lousy 6th year brats, while they swoon over beauty.

"The highly feared Severus Snape made his way duck footed to his desk and prepared to address the beauty of the Gryffindors for her justified interuption."

"Shut up and get on with praising my beauty," Snape sniffed silently. "And just what is that god awful smell?"

"Loony!"

"The class curled up in giggles as Snape turned to sniff Luna Lovegod, and his nose shrivled to half it's normal size, which is twice the normal person."

"10 points from Gryffindor!"

"And it was then he came to the realisation that Luna was wearing a very distinct perfume."

"Tis called, "_Musk of thine Hero_", and was given to moi by a fair night."

"Luna then proceeded to hold the increadably sexy new Colin's hand under the table as the girls, and some guys, swooned over his intense sex appeal. Snape couldn't handle this, and left the room to wank and feel better. I think we all know he was swooning too."

"WEASLEY! Detension, and you too Colin. Yours can be now, and in my office." Snape yelled through the door. Colin quivvered.

"Nay, for I love another, fine nobal man, and tis shunned on to withdraw a proposale."

"Everyone gasped at Luna's luck, and Colin's blindness."


	11. My favourite

_This is one of my favourite chapters. I ran it through a spell check and it turns out I can't spell to save my life. At least I can type fast though. I'll save my life by being too fast to read. MWaha. Only a short laugh since it's not a very evil plan._

_Review! Tis the way! Tis the day! Hey hey! I love rhymes, and I can spell it!_

**

* * *

****Chapter 11**

The long awaited trip to Hogsbog finally arrived. Ok, not many people paid any attention to it due to the fact that they were constantly indulging in "discovering themselves", as some of the lenient parents put it, or "sinning to the extreme" as the hugly religious comic book geeks put it. The only person looking forward to it was Ron, who couldn't wait for Harry and Hermionie to accept his new love. Meanwhile, Harry and Hermionie were wondering what freak Ron had picked up from the local stripper club this time.

"The time has come, my little friends, to talk of other things. Of slugs and snails, and other strange things. Her name be Daisy, the weather was hazy, when we first exchanged rings."

"Ron, are you telling us that THAT," Harry gestured wildly. "Is your date?"

"Yes, why?"

"That? Thing?"

"What Harry's trying to tell you, Ron darling," Hermionie cut in with her motherly instincts for comfort. "Is that is, well, how can I put this nicely."

"Go on."

"It's a cow."

"Yes, Daisy. Don't you think she's beautiful." Ron kissed Daisy, and got his face licked.

"That cow seems familiar." Harry pondered.

"Well, you might have seen her in the forbidden forest. We've been having secret meetings at night. It's so romantic. Under the moonlight. Our naked bodies held so tightly together that..."

"Wooow, don't go there Ron." Hermionie interrupted.

"No, do go on," Hermionie scowled at Harry. "Um... tell me later."

The Trio sat down for some fire whiskey, and a bit of strip poker. It was a frantic game, and several of the locals joined in, including Dumbledore (who would never miss a chance to show some flesh without being arrested), Hagrid (who turned out to be wearing a thong by the end) and the mysterious Cuddles, a flesh coloured moose with a purple nose. By the end, Daisy was wearing the most, in just her high heals, and Ron had stripped down to a small hanky, easily covering his man bits. Harry was losing a hot and sweaty arm wrestling match with Hermionie, and Dumbledore was giving Hagrid a hand job again. Then, a stranger walked in.

"Actually, you all know me pretty well, though I haven't been mentioned since the first chapter. And so.. guess who?"

"Dean, it's not what you think!" Daisy amazingly mooed.

"I think I know well enough when you've been with someone else. You're suddenly in a good mood, and I think I've managed to satisfy you, but I find you've been with this toy boy here. And you do it in the heals I gave you to. I want them back." Ron reluctantly handed over his heals. "Now Daisy, are you going to come with me, or stay with Ron? Cause remember, if I walk out this door alone, then you can never walk back into my life again."

Daisy frantically looked back and forth between Ron, then Dean, then Ron, then Dean's dick. It was then that it clicked.

"I choose neither. You have both failed to satisfy me the way a real man can, so I'm choosing Cuddles. Since a Moose is nearly a bull." And without daring to look Ron in his heartbroken face, Daisy walked out arm in arm with Cuddles, and out of Ron and Dean's life forever.

"Dude, I'm sorry." Dumbledore said, while a huge smirk still lingered on his wrinkled face. "Is there, anything I can do to help? Wink wink." Dean and Ron ran screaming from the bar, not knowing who he was talking to.

Snape sat alone in his office, with nothing but the comfort of his beloved porn, and Colin doing his detention of a hundred push-ups with the sprinklers on. He pondered the current situation. Normally he would never attempt to take advantage of his position over students to get into a position over them. Something was wrong. And then it clicked.

"I'm having a mid-life crisis!"

"Isn't it a bit late for that, I mean, you're like, 50 or something." Colin panted.

Snape liked that. Ignoring the insult, Snape threw himself on Colin and gave into his wild animal instincts and hugged him.

"Thank you for making me realize the truth. Now I'm off to find the culprit of this devious deed."

Ron lay weeping loudly on his bed. Every person who attempted to comfort him was banished to the toilet after he wept uncontrollably on their shoulders. He was at a loss without his beloved Daisy.

"Come on Ron, cheer up. She wasn't good enough for you. You don't want to be with a cheater. That's what my mum said. Once a cheater, always broke! Though, she never noticed how close Dumbledore was to my dad. So she's not got my vote for president!"

"Hermionie?"

"Yes Ronny poo?"

"Was that supposed to cheer me up?"

"Maybe, if it did, then yes. If not, I was stating a fact. Specially since I'm not going to vote any way." Ron sank to his knees and wept, his tears falling on his lap. "Ok, let's go down the pub. But you should go to the loo first, looks like a bit of an accident there." Ron wailed louder.

The monkey crept silently between the corridors, screeching loudly. He had been at this school for many months, and knew by all peoples talking, that things were not as they should be. Luckily for him, there were cat flaps on all the doors in the school, so he could easily spy on the students, and find the mastermind to this diabolical scheme.

"My-a-hee! My-a-haa! My-a-who? My...a...whore!"

"SHHH!"

"Sorry, forgot I was in the library." Hermionie apologized, then attempted to remember why she had come to the library. Oh yeah, Ron got pissed off at her for constantly bringing up Daisy every time a couple walked by in school, and told her to fix the schools problems. But what were the problems. Everything is normal, and has always been like this.

"SHHH!"

"Sorry, did I say that out loud?"

"Yes, and something strange is going on at this school. You should go talk to my friend in the forest, he knows all about this kinda stuff."

"Thank you mysterious stranger, how can I return the favour?"

"Well, you could scratch a little itch of mine?" But Hermionie had already wandered off to the forest.

A criminal mastermind sat alone, and pondered.

"Now, who's lives should I corrupt next. I know, Hermionie should fall for me, then I'll marry her. Then nobody can take her away when I change the rules on divorce. Oh I love being a criminal mastermind!"

Hermionie patiently sat in the forest. It may normally be filled with random donkeys and other dangerous creatures, but today nothing in there scared her. Not even the butterfly's.

"Helloooo! Mysterious strangers friend?" She turned suddenly as a grunt came out of a bush. "Ron, is that you? Cause if your looking for Daisy again, give it up. She has someone new."

"Aww, but I'm horny. I haven't gotten laid since her."

"Sorry to break up this party children, but I think the young lady was looking for me, for clues about the FUCKed up ness of this school. And before you speak, horny boy, once she fixes this, you'll be back to normal."

"What? Will I have my extremely large dick again?" The figure laughed at him.

"I've been watching you a long time, and I think we all know that's not true."

"You've been watching us?" Hermionie butted in, using her conveniently large butt.

"No, just your horny friend here. You know, normal things. Set up a few magical cameras around the school, and let me tell you, that stud muffin Potter you been bonking, lovely. Kept me warm many a night."

"Ron! I can't believe you!"

"Hermionie, I thought you loved Draco?"

"Oh, no, I think I love someone new."

"Oh, who?"

"Well, he seems a bit strange, but, he's got a really big.."

"We don't need to hear this. You wanted information, and you'll get it. I demand one small thing though."

"Anything."

"I want some quality time with horny's trouser snake." Ron looked horrified.

"Done."


	12. Pretty pink and fancy pants

**Chapter 12**

"I'm lost!" wailed Ron.

"Shut up, we've been in the forest millions of times, and we've never gotten lost."

"Not in the forest 'Mionie. The story line. I can't remember who's shagging who, whether we've ever shagged, or how many toes I have."

"Oh, go read Harry's diary. That's the only way I remember what the fuck is going on in this fucked up school. But thanks to the mysterious stranger number two, we can research a spell to stop the fucked up ness, and hopfully by graduation. Seeing as we haven't learned a thing all year, what with raging hormones and every making interesting new discoveries about themselves. It's like living in a soap opera. Probably not Eastenders, too many deaths in that. Maybe the OC. Lots of shagging in that. Ohh, lovely."

"Hermionie?"

"Yeah. Shagging."

"I'm lost."

"Oh bloody hell. Follow me." And they swiftly walked into a tree.

Harry sat alone in his room. Something didn't feel right. He felt... used. Like his property had been read, like someone had been reading his diary.

A criminal mastermind felt that they wern't being mentioned enough seeing as they put all this effort into destroying everyone's sense at Hogwarts. It did a dance so they could get mentioned.

Hermionie, having lost Ron in the forest and didn't really care, went to the library. She needed a nap. But first she had to figure out what was wrong with the school. The mysterious stranger number 2's voice rang through her head.

"Look for the unexpected." Hermionie turned and found Ginny, as expected, in the wrong place at the wrong time.

"Hermionie, you pretty little thing you. How are you? Ginny said in her most seductive voice."

"Oh, I thought you were doing an evil laugh. Why are you trying to seduce me?"

"Ginny laughed at the sexy brains stupidity. Have you not noticed the way I look at you Hermionie dear? I can't help the way I feel. But for some reason I feel this about everyone now. Luckily not Ron, but everyone else. Even Peeves."

"This can't go on Ginny. I need you to help me with some research. Don't you see, there is a criminal mastermind in this school who has fooled us all. Look, see that person dancing in the corridor, they wouldn't be doing that if the school didn't have some evil curse on it."

"Who is that any way? Cause I think I love them." Ginny swiftly ran away, leaving Hermionie to build a book fortress to sleep behind.

Dawn broke across the sky, and the brides tweeted happily. Huh? Brides? Now that's an unusual typo. Oh dear god, the curse is affecting me to.

"Oh Harry... I've got a surprise for you." Harry's eyes shot open. This was never a good thing since the school went mad. If it's another sex toy I'll brutaly kill Hagrid, he thought.

"Happy Birthday!"

"Wait, it's not Harry's birthday, its only May. It must be mine."

"And who are you?"

The criminal mastermind appeared in the doorway. Of course, no one knew that. They all thought it was some crazy new kid.

"You may call me Man."

"Ok, Man. Why are you wearing those weird clothes that cover your whole face and muffle your voice?"

"Cause it's my brithday of course. Where I come from you wear these clothes once you become 18 and never take them off. I'm now a Ninja."

"Wow, like the teenage mutant ninja turtles?"

"Yes." A crowd of people stopped crowding round Harry and ran to... Man. But Harry wasn't fooled. He knew that you don't get new students in May. And Man also had a very feminine figure in that skin tight catsuit. He would have to ponder this, but he then fell asleep.

Dusk broke across the sky, and the remaining brides had all run off on their husbands. All was silent. Harry was still sleeping, and Ron had finally made it back to school. The house-elves were running around the kitchen trying to prepare the graduation feast. None of them questioned the fact that it was happening so early and that none of the pupils had taken tests yet. Most of them had developed a bad alcohol problem. Damn this Man.

"Snape. I feel old."

"You are old. Strip routins aren't designed for the faint heart."

"Well, thank you for showing it to me, but I'm so tired. Would you mind if we just cuddled?" Dumbledore snuggled against his darling Severus and gently tickled his miniscule chest hair. "Have you considered joining a gym? I can see you have some real potential with these muscles. You could join my traveling strip club. I'm considering setting it up like Voldermort has and having dark marks, but they would be a pair of breasts and would be on you left buttock. What do you think?"

"As long as it's a joined suicide cult then I'm in."

"Oh Sevvy," Dumbledore coo'd softly. "I think I need more then a cuddle now."

"Wait, we need to talk. We both know this and we've been putting it off for too long."

"Oh god. You're breaking up with me?"

"No. The school has gone crazy and we must find the culprit. I've started up a research team and they have come up with some extraordinary results. And a lot of gossip which I will be blackmailing students and teachers with after they are back to what could possibly be called normal."

"You mean..."

"Yes. We have narrowed it down to a magical being. Possibly human."

"Oh. That could be any one."

"Well, this is some advanced magic they have used, and I believe it was a potion. Have you drunk anything mysterious recently?"

"There was this one weird drink at a Griffindor party. It was all pink and bubbley and made me very arroused. But I didn't feel any different after that. Except horny of course."

"No, think further back. Before you started to strip dance."

"But I did this as a way to put myself through clown collage. Back in the 1880's. But it was severly frowned upon, but so was being a clown. I soon became Biffo, the sexiest clown alive. I wonder if I still have the costum."

"Ok, think back to the start of the school year."

"Oh. Yeah, there was a weird drink at the start of year feast. It was also pink, and also left me arroused and wanting to go back to my roots as a stripper. Tasted faintly of macaronni and apricots. Delicious." Snape jumped up and ran out the room. Dumbledore began raiding his fridge for anything pink to drink. He realised that rhymed and started singing too.

The library was crowded with kissing couples. Mostly behind forts made out of books. Snape swiftly made his way over to the restricted section. He didn't know where to look, since the only times he had needed anything from here was when he was in the mood for some very specialised porn. But he knew this library had other uses. He soon got distracted as he stumbled across Potter and someone under his invisability cloak.

Snape snapped out of his trance as he was hit with a slightly damp porn magazine. He screamed girlishly as the cloak slipped off Potter's lover. It was none other than... Dummdy dum... Fancy pottery classes and all that. I mean... Draco! Yes, you all saw that coming.

"Draco, get out from under that Griffindor now. Is this who you wanted me to make that potion for?"

"No sir. No. It was for Neville sir."

"And you expect that to make it better? I understand that people get bad urges at this time in your life, and that some crimminal mastermind has made you all crazy, but this is simply unacceptable. Now, both of you, for your punishment I want you to help me research any pretty pink mind control potions."


	13. Who is Joe? And why is he dancing?

_We have almost reached the end. Probably about 2 or 3 more chapters of this story. I hope you liked it. It's the longest thing I've ever written, and just think how long it could have been if I had used descriptions. But I always forget them. Someday I may re-write this with them, but who knows when that will be. Now, enjoy!_

* * *

**Chapter 13 (unlucky!)**

"Hello, Joe." the voice muttered.

"Harry."

"Quiet Joe. I feel you have been disrespecting me, and we can't have that now can we Joe?"

"Harry."

"But I'm willing to ignore the fact that you constantly undermine my authority, and let it pass for one thing, Joe."

"Harry." Harry was getting angry. Who was this mysterious, yet sexy and deep voice?

"Take me now Joe," Neville shrieked as he stepped out of the shadows. "Or I will release a great evil on you!"

"Harry!" He was confused. He had just been in the library a moment ago. Why was he randomly placed in this part of the story? And how were we on chapter 13 without actually having a plot? Maybe I should just fill the rest with my shopping list? Wait, these aren't Harry's thoughts, they're mine! And now the weather!

"Neville, why are you calling me Joe?"

"Oh, Harry. Didn't see you there. Sorry about that. I just drank a bottle of chocolate sauce and seemed to have misplaced my glasses."

"You don't wear glasses?"

"Oh, right. I must have misplaced yours." Neville swiftly stole Harry's glasses, skilfully poking him in the eye too, and skateboarded down the hallway into a car. "Who left this in my heroic exit?"

Harry was blind. He had often fooled people into believing he could see perfectly, but in truth, he couldn't see his own hand. Probably since it was often down his trousers, but even when it wasn't, he walked into walls. He slowly stumbled down the hall over an unconscious Neville to the common room in search of help.

"Well, boys. What have you discovered for me?"

"What? Now I'm in the library again? Stop this random moving!"

"Quiet Potter. The beast knows you're after him. I believe we are on the right track now. You have the only 3 mind control potions which are pink and pretty. Some would say they are pretty in pink, but I think they are more radiant in my trousers. I mean to say, we now have narrowed down what the cure could be. Draco, if you please."

The spotlight which had been softly illuminating Snape's nose swerved to Draco, who was posing to a little pocket mirror. He quickly put it away and read his notes.

"Shimmer ma himer, choke down my dinner, drink this potion and you'll be a winner. This one is both fruity and pink. The drinker becomes very hot and bothered, prone to taking off their clothes."

"Excellent. Now, potion number two." Harry giggled. Snape slapped him.

"Is the lady of the house around? What's that, you say she can't be found? Hush, quiet, don't make a sound. As I cup your ass all nice and round. This one is pink and bubbly, lovely jubley, makes people want to... cuddley? Who wrote these notes?" Snape slapped Draco. "Oh, yeah, it was me. I want to be a rapper when I'm older."

"Fine, carry on."

"At the head of the table lies my girl, she knows that she got style. The headmaster sits and watches her, reading her permanent file. Now drop the beat." Draco broke out into his incredible beat boxing moves and impressed the library dwellers, at least until a tape recorder fell out his pockets. "Umm, yeah. That."

"Hmmm, this muggle item is working normally, when they don't normally in Hogwarts. Too much magic in the air. Curiouser and curiouser. Does any one else know of electrical muggle items working in the castle?" Snape questioned in the general direction of Draco and Harry.

"Yeah my vibrator has been working most of the year." Draco sang.

"Hmmm, Potter. Go to your tower while I go with Draco to investigate this vibrator miracle." Harry shuddered. Snape slapped him.

(And the plot thickens! Then again, so does the author!)

Hermionie paced the common room. The solution was so close she could taste it. No, that was her hair. She stopped her ferocious munching to gaze out the window.

"Oh, a party. Wonder why I didn't notice that before. Maybe I should go study people's movements to find something unusual that they all do. Then I could find the cure, and be named the greatest witch of all time! Or I could just go and get drunk."

Ron was alone. The forest was a large and scary place. He had already walked in on two centaur mating rituals and Hagrid's own personal rituals. But what was that he heard. The amazing noise of techno! It had been so long since he heard the sweet sound of music. He followed the noise till he saw the party.

Snape had just left Draco's room. All his kinky little machines worked. He knew there was something wrong with that, but it all felt so damn good. He fixed his hair back onto his head and walked to the window where the moon shone down on a party. Joy, how he loved a techological party. He had given up throwing them since it took so many charms to make his stereo immune to the magic. He went to go join the party.

Chapter 13 (unlucky!)

"Hello, Joe." the voice muttered.

"Harry."

"Quiet Joe. I feel you have been disrespecting me, and we can't have that now can we Joe?"

"Harry."

"But I'm willing to ignore the fact that you constantly undermine my authority, and let it pass for one thing, Joe."

"Harry." Harry was getting angry. Who was this mysterious, yet sexy and deep voice?

"Take me now Joe," Neville shrieked as he stepped out of the shadows. "Or I will release a great evil on you!"

"Harry!" He was confused. He had just been in the library a moment ago. Why was he randomly placed in this part of the story? And how were we on chapter 13 without actually having a plot? Maybe I should just fill the rest with my shopping list? Wait, these aren't Harry's thoughts, they're mine! And now the weather!

"Neville, why are you calling me Joe?"

"Oh, Harry. Didn't see you there. Sorry about that. I just drank a bottle of chocolate sauce and seemed to have misplaced my glasses."

"You don't wear glasses?"

"Oh, right. I must have misplaced yours." Neville swiftly stole Harry's glasses, skilfully poking him in the eye too, and skateboarded down the hallway into a car. "Who left this in my heroic exit?"

Harry was blind. He had often fooled people into believing he could see perfectly, but in truth, he couldn't see his own hand. Probably since it was often down his trousers, but even when it wasn't, he walked into walls. He slowly stumbled down the hall over an unconscious Neville to the common room in search of help.

"Well, boys. What have you discovered for me?"

"What? Now I'm in the library again? Stop this random moving!"

"Quiet Potter. The beast knows you're after him. I believe we are on the right track now. You have the only 3 mind control potions which are pink and pretty. Some would say they are pretty in pink, but I think they are more radiant in my trousers. I mean to say, we now have narrowed down what the cure could be. Draco, if you please."

The spotlight which had been softly illuminating Snape's nose swerved to Draco, who was posing to a little pocket mirror. He quickly put it away and read his notes.

"Shimmer ma himer, choke down my dinner, drink this potion and you'll be a winner. This one is both fruity and pink. The drinker becomes very hot and bothered, prone to taking off their clothes."

"Excellent. Now, potion number two." Harry giggled. Snape slapped him.

"Is the lady of the house around? What's that, you say she can't be found? Hush, quiet, don't make a sound. As I cup your ass all nice and round. This one is pink and bubbly, lovely jubley, makes people want to... cuddley? Who wrote these notes?" Snape slapped Draco. "Oh, yeah, it was me. I want to be a rapper when I'm older."

"Fine, carry on."

"At the head of the table lies my girl, she knows that she got style. The headmaster sits and watches her, reading her permanent file. Now drop the beat." Draco broke out into his incredible beat boxing moves and impressed the library dwellers, at least until a tape recorder fell out his pockets. "Umm, yeah. That."

"Hmmm, this muggle item is working normally, when they don't normally in Hogwarts. Too much magic in the air. Curiouser and curiouser. Does any one else know of electrical muggle items working in the castle?" Snape questioned in the general direction of Draco and Harry.

"Yeah my vibrator has been working most of the year." Draco sang.

"Hmmm, Potter. Go to your tower while I go with Draco to investigate this vibrator miracle." Harry shuddered. Snape slapped him.

(And the plot thickens! Then again, so does the author!)

Hermionie paced the common room. The solution was so close she could taste it. No, that was her hair. She stopped her ferocious munching to gaze out the window.

"Oh, a party. Wonder why I didn't notice that before. Maybe I should go study people's movements to find something unusual that they all do. Then I could find the cure, and be named the greatest witch of all time! Or I could just go and get drunk."

Ron was alone. The forest was a large and scary place. He had already walked in on two centaur mating rituals and Hagrid's own personal rituals. But what was that he heard. The amazing noise of techno! It had been so long since he heard the sweet sound of music. He followed the noise till he saw the party.

Snape had just left Draco's room. All his kinky little machines worked. He knew there was something wrong with that, but it all felt so damn good. He fixed his hair back onto his head and walked to the window where the moon shone down on a party. Joy, how he loved a techological party. He had given up throwing them since it took so many charms to make his stereo immune to the magic. He went to go join the party.


End file.
